"Bitterness is a habit that can seriously hinder our spiritual journey. When life becomes difficult, when it doesn't seem as if God is providing for our needs, when we're not getting what we want when we want it, we have a decision to make. We can hold onto our faith and trust that God has an answer in mind, or we can gripe and moan and complain and let our souls become embittered. Expecting an oasis, but finding a bitter stream? Don't lose sight of the grace of God." (Penelope J. Stokes, Beside A Quiet Stream)
Confession:
I've been wading in the bitter stream. I found out yesterday that I did not get a school counseling job that I really wanted and thought I should have got. I had all these plans of what would happen after I got the job. We could move out of our little apartment we've been trapped in for three years, look for a house, Jason could explore other career options, etc. In a nutshell, we could move on with our lives! But, wait. Not so fast, Jen. Your plans are on hold.
Not only was a disappointed about not getting the job, but I felt personally rejected because I had worked as an intern for the school for the past year. Now I am questioning myself and my abilities. Do I even have what it takes to be a counselor? How do others really perceive me? Am I capable? Will I ever make it to where I want to be? I feel like a failure.
On top of that, I'm also guilty of coveting what others have. Terrible, I know. I look at most of my friends my age, employed at a job of their choice, living comfortably on two nice incomes, buying homes, and enjoying the freedom that comes with financial security. Meanwhile, I feel trapped by a lack of resources. Jason always reminds me how blessed we are compared to the majority of the people in this world, and I know it's true. I have no right to complain. All of our needs are provided for and we are blessed with family who help provide us with even more. But I still get sucked into the "poor me" mentality, wishing we could afford more and do more. It's a terrible, awful flaw of mine - this obsession with wanting more - one that I need to change. I know that life is not about the things we have, and I don't want Ben to be taught that way. Still, it is something that I am struggling with.
I'm hoping I'll read this post in the future and think to myself, "Why did you ever doubt? Oh you of little faith. Didn't you know that the Lord would provide?"
But first, I'm going to get out of this bitter stream and search for an oasis in the grace of God, which I desperately need.
3 comments:
Hugs, Jen. I understand to some degree what you're feeling. I think I had this idea that once I had my degree, then I'd have a job and we'd have more money and life would be comfortable and fulfilling. And here I sit at home, waiting for my license to be approved and not bothering to look for a job in the meantime. And I feel stuck.
I'm sorry you didn't get the job but at least from my point of view, you are professional and good at counseling. And it's so hard to wait longer and trust, but God has a job for you, one that has some lesson for you or is just a better fit. Thank you for sharing. It helped me feel like I'm not alone feeling this way and served as a good reminder there's a reason for this time, even if I don't see it yet.
Jen, I can totally relate to how you're feeling, and I know how easy it is to throw yourself a pity party...I've held several of those for myself (no one else ever comes). I wish I had some sage advice to offer up, but I don't. I'll be praying for you and am always willing to provide comic relief if needed.
Oh Jen, I'm so sorry you feel that way. But I'm sure everyone feels like a failure at some point in their lives (and maybe some feel that way more than others), so you're not alone. We're in a similar boat - we get by just fine, and have a pretty nice life and are blessed with a lot of great things, but I sometimes envy others who have more or live pretty comfortably and not paycheck to paycheck. Everyone has one of those days sometimes, but what gets you through them are friends and family that you support you no matter what. You'll get through this point in your life where you will in fact look back on your post and wonder why you ever doubted anything. :) Good luck with the job search - I'm sure you're great at what you do and the right job will come along for you!
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