"Bitterness is a habit that can seriously hinder our spiritual journey. When life becomes difficult, when it doesn't seem as if God is providing for our needs, when we're not getting what we want when we want it, we have a decision to make. We can hold onto our faith and trust that God has an answer in mind, or we can gripe and moan and complain and let our souls become embittered. Expecting an oasis, but finding a bitter stream? Don't lose sight of the grace of God." (Penelope J. Stokes,
Beside A Quiet Stream)
Confession:
I've been wading in the bitter stream. I found out yesterday that I did not get a school counseling job that I really wanted and thought I should have got. I had all these plans of what would happen after I got the job. We could move out of our little apartment we've been trapped in for three years, look for a house, Jason could explore other career options, etc. In a nutshell, we could move on with our lives! But, wait. Not so fast, Jen. Your plans are on hold.
Not only was a disappointed about not getting the job, but I felt personally rejected because I had worked as an intern for the school for the past year. Now I am questioning myself and my abilities. Do I even have what it takes to be a counselor? How do others really perceive me? Am I capable? Will I ever make it to where I want to be? I feel like a failure.
On top of that, I'm also guilty of coveting what others have. Terrible, I know. I look at most of my friends my age, employed at a job of their choice, living comfortably on two nice incomes, buying homes, and enjoying the freedom that comes with financial security. Meanwhile, I feel trapped by a lack of resources. Jason always reminds me how blessed we are compared to the majority of the people in this world, and I know it's true. I have no right to complain. All of our needs are provided for and we are blessed with family who help provide us with even more. But I still get sucked into the "poor me" mentality, wishing we could afford more and do more. It's a terrible, awful flaw of mine - this obsession with wanting more - one that I need to change. I know that life is not about the things we have, and I don't want Ben to be taught that way. Still, it is something that I am struggling with.
I'm hoping I'll read this post in the future and think to myself, "Why did you ever doubt? Oh you of little faith. Didn't you know that the Lord would provide?"
But first, I'm going to get out of this bitter stream and search for an oasis in the grace of God, which I desperately need.
I am so thankful to my parents for providing us the opportunity to take such a wonderful vacation. We could not have done it with our own means. It was also great to spend some family time together, especially since my brother has officially moved to Colorado. I know Ben is going to miss having his Uncle Matt around. Well, I guess we'll just have to go out there for a visit :)
You can check out more photos from our trip here. I'm missing the beach already!
